Sunday, January 08, 2017

light and dark


When I start to list, in my head, the dark moments from my days, I can usually think of light that helps, a little, in the balance.

My friend, in another town. diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer that has spread to bones and organs. We taught together and she was kind and sweet and funny. What a sad burden for her and for her family.

Good friends joined us for dinner last night. Fresh bread, crab cakes with mango salsa, vegetable soup (with turnips), and coconut macaroons. Much laughter. They're taking a trip (a safari, like in the movies) to Africa soon. Imagine. Monkeys outside your tent.

Our friend in Texas, breathless walking on the beach, diagnosed with heart problems. Fixable, but disturbing. We know he hates this kind of attention, but for me, not a praying person, invoking his name here is like a prayer. Like it is for Sandy. And Karen. And Jaime. And Betty, always a worry.

It's gotten so that I am almost afraid to call people and a Caring Bridge email stops my breath.

A visit to Ecumen today with my friend, Kathryn, to write and read and share stories with our friends there. Their stories help me know that the timeline goes beyond what I can see right now today. We always leave feeling lighter and warmer.

The dread of the inauguration of that silly, morally corrupt, inept man. There aren't words. To balance that ugliness out, I am going to the Women March: Minnesota. I don't like crowds, I don't like going to the cities, I am not brave in any way but I am going to this. I've wept a lot of tears since November 8th and this will be the balance for that darkness.


We have a new grandbaby coming on Wednesday. That joy is the balance for other sadness which is not my story to tell. No matter what, a baby is a sign of hope and love.

The wretched weather. I am tired of wearing wool sweaters over my flannel nightgowns. Anders said last night that he got out his shorts and sandals, just to look at them. We are all tired of packing around 30 pounds of clothes and boots so we don't freeze to death. The balance is that the sky has been spectacular and the frigid temps will end soon. Even now, on the east side of the house, ice will melt when the sun is shining. Garden weather is coming soon.

Yesterday, I got a box of pictures I had ordered of Peter and April's wedding. I waited until this morning to open it and look at them. So many sweet moments on that hot, July day.

Every morning at 6 am, my sweet husband's alarm goes off on his phone, or his iPad, or both. Tropical birds. Lots of tropical birds in increasing volume until I get out of bed to shut it off. Then the neighbor's car alarm goes off, again, as it has the past two mornings. Nobody comes out to get in the car. Does a guy set a car alarm as a wake-up device?


I just read the post I wrote yesterday, which I sometimes do to make sure I am not repeating myself, which I often am. Sigh. This post sounds a lot like yesterday's, and pretty similar to others I have written lately. Sigh. Must be the same shit on my mind and the answer to it is the crazy cat eyes and WTF. And writing it down. When I write it down, it takes away a little of the power. Let's hope that works.


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