Monday, October 24, 2016

my path, less traveled

I'm not sure how this will go. One of the things I am aiming for in my life is to merge my recovery life with my real life. This is an attempt to do that.

I have a blog on an online support site that I use. My posts there are recovery focused. My posts here tend to mention recovery from time to time (I sort of hate that word but that's another topic. I hate labels.) but most often are about something else.

I realized some time back that the more I thought about other people while I was writing here, the more difficult it became. It's what Natalie Goldberg calls the monkey mind. The critter that sits on your shoulder reading as you go and making judgments like this: That's not true. He might laugh at that. Don't say that. You could be pissing someone off. It makes it hard to write freely.

Hahaha! Like this.

I have been writing a blog post in my head the past few days. Couldn't gather my thoughts enough to get it down on paper but I think these two photos summarize it pretty well.
I have been walking a lot. Fall is my favorite season...and all the things that come with it. Cooler temps, dry breezes, no bugs, beautiful leaves, a fire on the patio in the evening.
I wrote a while back that I was starting to feel more connected but I couldn't describe why that was. It is definitely true and I am starting to realize the reasons. For the first two months of sobriety, I felt like an actor on a stage. I knew what to do and what to say but it didn't feel authentic. I felt like I had to think about every word. Now, things are coming more naturally. I am more relaxed and peaceful. It's a good feeling.
I felt a edgy for a while. Not afraid that I would start up drinking again, exactly, but like I wasn't sure this was real. Again, an actor on a stage.
I feel more comfortable now with my homegrown recovery plan and with where I am. I know it works for me and I'm not afraid to talk about it in my aftercare group. At first, I felt like I must be some kind of fraud or rebel and I was afraid to speak up when the leader said things like you can't have the same friends once you get sober that you had before. Oh, yes, sometimes you can. I feel comfortable admitting that I don't have a sponsor and that I have no plans to do the fearless moral inventory. I am confident. I am vigilant but I am not afraid.
We often have a small fire on the patio in the evening. I can stare into the flames and think about all that has happened in the last 100+ days. People puzzle me when they hear I quit drinking and they want to say they're sorry. Sorry I developed an addiction? Sorry I went to treatment? Sorry I struggled for so long? I'm not sorry. This all, painful as it was at the time, dangerous as it was, brought me tthis point and I am loving my life and looking forward to my future. Not everyone gets there.
So. That is the blog post copied directly from my other blog.

Heading off to the gym. Then going for a walk with Regis and Gus. I made chili yesterday so dinner is easy. We subscribed to Netflix and I have a page of notes so I know how to start it up and choose something to watch. If not that, I have two books to read. I'm launching into a pile of Ian Rankin books for the winter months. Nothing better than a heated mattress pad, a big cup of coffee, and a good mystery.

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