Friday, November 06, 2015

looking back and then ahead

I mentioned to Regis last night that the anniversary of my cancer diagnosis had gone unnoticed, a good sign, I thought. This morning, lying in bed looking at my iPad, it popped up as a Facebook memory. A link to my blog.

I'll go back and read it again later but reading it gives me chills. It was such a dark time and I really don't know how I made it through. I spent a lot of time sleeping, not from physical pain or physical fatigue I don't think, but to escape. I tell friends that I spent a lot of time in my blanket fort.

I know there are worse things and I know many people go through exactly what I did with far more penache and aplomb. They didn't sit around weeping into their wine glass until 5 am. But it's hard to be prepared for shit like don't sit down and think rationally about how you are feeling and behaving. At least I didn't... I remember swinging wildly from a super hero sort of take on it (think Rocky) to planning my own funeral. It was crazy.

Three years later, I can look back and truly say that while cancer was not a blessing, it afforded me many opportunities. Thank you, wise Eve Ensler for those words. I have met many kind and wonderful people, medical care givers, friends who also went through the BC battle, others who just offered friendship and support.

In a couple weeks, I'll have my last three-month check-up. I will graduate to every six months. After a few years of that, I'll go to yearly check-ups. Because I am part of a clinical trial, they will follow me for the rest of my life. Good to know.

Going forward, I don't take anything for granted. In some ways cancer planted the seeds of dread but in other ways it made me so grateful for every day. Every sunset. Every delicious meal. Every good friend. Gratitude is getting a leg up on dread for now.

Life is so good.

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