Thursday, April 02, 2015

reality

Here is the reality of our situation.

Regis would hate that I talk so frankly about it but it's what I have to do.

The other night, I had an all-out panic attack. A hyperventilating, crazy, sobbing, panic attack. This is what it might be like to live without him in my life.

I know people do it all the time. They adjust to the loss of a loved person. I know I could do it. I could learn to fill my car's tank with gas. I could learn the difference between a screw driver and pliers. I could learn how to use spray foam. I just don't want to do it right now.

I know I am whining about something, which on the continuum of bad shit that happens to people, is very small. I also know that sometimes small things have a domino effect and the end result is nothing you could foresee.

I am home now after a dinner with my friend, Deb. A dinner of french fries, mac and cheese, and bacon wrapped jalapenos. How disgusting. Sometimes poor nutrition is a comfort.

I am not packing tonight. I am not making lists or reservations. I am tired.

Not tired from critical issues but tired from a steady barrage of worry and stimulation. You can't spend 40 hours in a hospital and not feel worn down.

My honey is lying in a hospital bed in Mankato. I am here making plans to drive to a major medical center to see about his treatment. We have postponed our Easter dinner. Our dog is feeling misplaced and sad. Even the cat is aware that things are not as they should be. Nothing is like it should be.

But, in the world, nothing is at is has been, or should be. Our friend David, is gone. Sharon's dad is gone. Sharon is in the hospital recovering from surgery. Mary is in the hospital trying to fight a recurrent cancer. Another David is struggling with brain damage. Anders and Judie struggle with what that means for him, and them. Life can be so hard, my friends. Life can be hard.

But in the end, the poppies appear in the garden. The red moon comes out tomorrow night. A beautiful baby named Emerson is born. Nicole and Jason wait for a baby due in September. Nora Jane celebrates a birthday. And we go on.

2 comments:

ANN HENDRICKS said...

Some days I get so wrapped up in what I call my own misery, that I am paralyzed. I appreciate your blog to help me sort out what to obsess about ... Good stuff or bad stuff. Thank you for the perspectives that you shared in this writing. I love you.��

Michelle Kaisersatt said...

Theresa, Thanks for sharing. I know we are Minnesotans. And we take a harsher look at life with the line "it could be worse" or knowing others have worse scenarios to worry about. However, in my experiences over the last years, I have had a phrase dear to my heart that I have repeated time and time again. And it helps. Here it is: I Faithfully Exchange (my fears for) Amazing Results. So the term 'amazing' is the one that can be changed to anything you wish. However in times of need our emotions don't allow us the ease to remember things - and this was easier for me to remember because it spelled FEAR. I mentally handed over the fear in exchange. My heart rested much more easily.