Saturday, April 26, 2014

view from my window

These are tiny animals that watch over my garden. There's a bunny and a porcupine from my mom and a pair of bunnies from my friend, Kemmie.

It's been a week since I wrote a blog post and when I checked my stats, I saw I had only written five in April. An all-time low. I wrote a gratitude list this morning and hadn't done that since April 5th. This morning, the salt lamp is lit, the aroma therapy is on, and my desk is clean. All good signs.

The last month has been full of good and bad. I have said several times that I feel like the clouds are parting but this time I feel like it might really be true, for good. I know this is cryptic but as open as I can be about most things, I want to cloak this journey is some mystery. Just know the end is in sight and I feel healed.

I have many things to write about: going to visit mom in Canby on a whim (I am not known for traveling on whims), going to the Grand Opening of Gilda's Club in Minneapolis, the start of grilling season, the Easter gathering, long walks, my garden, Gus and Woodrow. Life is full and good.

Another reason for my being off the grid so much is that I have been subbing and the schools are like a dead zone for the internet. I tried to read an article in the Atlantic online and was halted by the Great and Mighty Cyber Cop. I am usually tired when I get home and don't have the gumption to do much. And I'm lazy.

I have four more work days this week. I agreed to help with the MCA tests and then wondered WTF I was thinking. I am opposed to those stupid tests on principle and here I am, collecting money to participate. Ugh. After this week, I may take some time off. My rules for subbing:

  1. Always agree to jobs in the future so I have time to change my mind.
  2. Rarely agree to jobs at the last minute.
  3. Never take a job in math or PE.
  4. Variety is good. Never take a long-term job.
I'd like to find a little something to do this summer. Not much. Just a little.

So, here I am. Back at the keyboard. Because I have experienced much grace in my life, I'll end with this quote by Anne Lamott.

Grace is that extra bit of help when you think you are really doomed; also, not coincidentally, when you have finally run out of good ideas on how to proceed, and on how better to control the people or circumstances that are frustrating or defeating you. I experience Grace as a cool ribbon of fresh air when I feel spiritually claustrophobic. Sometimes I experience it as water-wings, something holding me up when I am afraid that I'm going down, or the tide is carrying me away. I know that Grace meets us whereever we are, but does not leave us where it found us. Sometimes it is so small--a couple of seconds relief here, several extra inches there. I wish it were big and obvious, like sky-writing. Oh, well. Grace is not something I DO, or can chase down; but it is something I can receive, when I stop trying to be in charge. 
We communicate grace to one another by holding space for people when they are hurt or terrified, instead of trying to fix them, or manage their emotions for them. We offer ourselves as silent companionship, or gentle listening when someone feels very alone. We get people glasses of water when they are thirsty.

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