Saturday, January 18, 2014

the doldrums of winter

This is not me. It's Regis at the dog park, but it could be me because I dress like this, too. It gets restrictive by the end of winter to wear so many layers of clothes so you don't freeze either to death or freeze at least enough to be miserable. I don't usually mind the cold but this year, the temps have been consistently brutal. And the wind. I won't even get started on the wind.

Napping is good medicine in this weather. Monday, after being in Mankato all morning and getting home with ice chunks where my feet should be, I wrote this, then forgot to publish it.

It was so complicated I had to write down the agenda so things worked out. We dropped Gus at the Paw, I dropped Regis at the clinic, I went to pick something up at the Silhouette Shop, I got coffee at the Java Hut, I met Regis at the cardiologist's office (all good news!), Regis dropped me at the YMCA for an intake appointment for the LiveStrong program, I walked to Mary's office while Regis went to the HyVee and bought our groceries, Regis picked up Gus, then came to get me, and blessedly, the agenda was complete and we came home.

I retreated to my blanket fort for a time in the afternoon, then got up and made soup.

I'm being very quiet this morning because I know the minute Regis opens his eyes he will want to blast off to the gym. I'm not feeling it right at the moment. A walk outside in the sunshine this afternoon is more appealing to me. Sometimes the atmosphere of a place that smells like spandex and sweat is oppressive.

I've lost my list notebook. A disaster.

No wait. I found it. I have been very disorganized this week and losing my list notebook is a bad sign. I still have the box of "holiday" cards sitting on the table, too. They have been on my list to finish for two weeks. What the hell.

The thrift store truck comes this week on Wednesday. I'll have a few boxes for them and Regis is going through his clothes.

I have been playing Scrabble on my iPad like a mad person. Mad as in crazy. I played the beginner level for a while but when I started beating "it" (I think of it as "him".) I went to the intermediate. For a while, I had the upper hand. Now he is on to me and I am luck to win by a few points. I am out for revenge today. We had two close games last night and he beat me once. I usually love a good play more than the points but I have been obsessive about points. It's a phase and I will be back to playing the beginner level soon!

I subbed at the high school yesterday which makes two work days this week. That is my limit. Honestly, work is way over-rated and if we didn't have to do it to pay the bills, we probably wouldn't. I know some people crow about how they love their work but I think it's a cognitive distortion. Or blowing smoke up your own ass. Haha!

I'm thinking about contacting an organization called Imerman Angels.
Imerman Angels was created on the belief that no one should have to fight cancer alone and without the necessary support. At 26 years old, Jonny Imerman was diagnosed with testicular cancer and began his fight against the disease. Throughout his experience, Jonny was lucky enough to have loving support from his family and friends but had never met anyone his age who was a cancer survivor. He wanted to talk to someone just like him, someone who truly understood, and was intimately familiar with his experience. In short, he was looking for someone who had already beaten the same type of cancer. This was the beginning of Jonny’s vision and in 2003, it became a reality when he founded Imerman Angels.
In the beginning, I had no interest in support like this. I could hardly bring myself to say the word cancer. And I thought once I was done with treatment, I would be done with cancer. Not true. It's not like a dark cloud over my head all the time, but like a shadow on the horizon. Something I notice out of the corner of my eye when I'm I'm looking for something else.

This is how I felt about it then.

It is scary as shit to go back and read the posts from that time. Whoa. I thought I was fine but I was definitely messed up. Way messed up.

So, now that I can say the word cancer, now that I can talk about my experience, now that I am letting go of some of the fear and the dread, maybe now I am ready for another person to support me.

I've been awake since 5 am so now I'm ready to go back to bed for a while. Maybe read some Moth stories, maybe play a game of Scrabble with the beginner he instead of the intermediate he. Beginner he is friendlier and doesn't block me on the triple word scores.

We'll survive the doldrums of winter and the cancer blues and the getting older funk. Some days suq (Scrabble word) but most days are glorious and our life is good in our little house with our goofy pets.

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