Tuesday, September 10, 2013

report from the OR and other musings

This is a photo taken by my sweet husband after I came back from surgery for my cataract. I know it's a horrible picture but I have lost all modesty about good and bad pictures of me in medical situations. It is what it is. And I yam what I yam, as Popeye used to say.

I haven't been able to see well enough out of either eye today to write or read much. Maybe my right eye is lonely because my left eye is messed up or maybe there is a more scientific reason. Whatever. I was also half kicked from the Versed which is nice in that it lets you sleep away an afternoon and not nice in that you are not the least bit tired when night comes. I guess if a guy had some self-control and would stay awake even when sleepy, it wouldn't be such a problem. Well, that guy is not me.

When the nurse asked me if I had any problems with mild sedation, I said, "No, I actually like a little mild sedation." I would hate to see what they write in my chart.

When I went to my pre-op physical last week, my doctor decided that I needed a colonoscopy due to the kind of polyp I had last time. Lovely. When you get over 60, there is not an orifice on your body they don't want to examine up close and often. Well, the procedure wasn't even scheduled yet and I had a message from the pharmacy that my prescription (in a gallon jug) was ready. And yesterday, in the midst of preparing for cataract surgery, I had to go to "colonoscopy education". WTF. I told the nurse doing the educating that I would be lucky if I didn't put the GoLightly in my eyes and the eye drops up my ass. (I used this joke in an email to Karen and it got a good cyber-laugh so I had to use it again.)

Maybe after September 30th, I'll be done with medical procedures for a while. I came home very grumpy from the colonoscopy education. Very grumpy. Truth be told, there is not much to be educated about...and you know this if you have had one.

After surgery, they slapped this big ass metal fly-eye patch on my eyes. It has holes, purportedly for aeration, but it makes it impossible to see. You keep trying to focus your messed up eye through the tiny holes but end up just keeping the eye closed. I thought about making a little gauze curtain but didn't have the gumption.

I really don't mind medical procedures. Everyone is so nice and they give you those great drugs to make you sleep. The nurses were pretty funny today...the anesthesiologist, not so much. I guess it's a good thing he is serious about his job. The food wasn't great, though. I asked about breakfast and they brought me a cup of coffee and a package of Ritz crackers. That ain't breakfast in my world, sister.

I didn't really like going into the operating room fully awake. In the past I have always been on my way to the nether regions before being carted down the back hallways. I get kind of goofy and announce, "Traffic jam!" if we meet up with another cart in the hall. Not always such a good idea.

There are lots of very intimidating big machines, bright lights, and shiny surfaces. I would rather be asleep for that part. At one point, I asked if I they had given me the sedative yet and the doctor said, "Give her a little more". I had a lot of comments to make and they were probably tired of me running at the mouth.

There are always strange folks in the waiting rooms of surgery centers. Today's weird dude was a middle aged guy with a red mohawk. In a loud and strident voice, he was telling his medical history, including the many times he almost died, to a woman who looked like if she had half a chance, she would strangle him by the neck. Had I not been called back by the nurse, I certainly would have assisted her. Who, in a waiting room, needs to be subjected to that kind of shit? We all have our own worries, pal.

Ah, well. It's a slice of life.

I was asked by a friend of mine to be on a "committee". I generally loathe committees because they have too many meetings that accomplish too little. This one sounds interesting so I'll call her and inquire about meeting length and such. My dad always said a meeting that lasts more than an hour is a waste of time and I tend to agree.

Today I received my lifetime substitute teaching license from the department of education which means, not only can I sub up until the day I croak (not more than fifteen days in the same classroom) but that my mental health is good enough that it will allow me to enter a school without a complete neural network breakdown. I am looking at this, especially the last part, as a good thing.

This has really been an uplifting blog post. Cataract surgery, colonoscopy, committees, and substitute teaching. My life has been more fun that this, honestly.

Regis made stuffed mushrooms on the grill tonight. Giant portabello mushrooms with Andouille sausage and cheese. We had talked about it yesterday but I couldn't summon the mental energy to participate in any way except eating them. I said my mind was muddled and it was.

They lectured me today about resting, not drinking alcohol, and not doing anything risky. I told Regis I was going to come home, jump on my unicycle, and ride down to the bars for a couple beers. Hahaha! I don't even have a unicycle and I wasn't awake long enough to do this, but it was a funny thought, eh? I wish I had said it to the nurse who was lecturing me in that serious voice, but sometimes I am a slow processor. Now I'm awake at midnight having a gin and tonic...two out of three isn't bad. Hey, is the math right on that?

I don't know about your colonoscopy education but my nurse gave me a big brochure that said to not eat whole wheat bread, fruits, or vegetables for seven days prior to the procedure. What? What are you supposed to eat? She said in response, "Well, I ate that. I ate that." Hell. I am a rule follower (most of the time) and so now I am confused. I might have to call someone and see what the real deal is. Do they think I'll eat pork chops and shrimp for seven days?

I'm on a roll here. Bear with me.

For a person who hadn't had surgery since a tonsillectomy at the age of five, I am cruising on a record breaking year. I have had so many procedures in so many places this year I can't remember where I had what. I expect to live to be a very old lady so this better be the end of it.

Writing and revising are two of my favorite things. I write a few paragraphs, read them over, add a sentence, change some words, make one sentence where I had two previously. It's like my love of diagramming sentences. I should start a club....or a committee.

I have confessed here before that I like to play Candy Crush but I won't pay money or link it to Facebook. So, I am stuck playing Level 35 into eternity. Mostly I don't care but I can see a day coming, maybe next week, when it will get tiresome. I do wonder how people get to Level 137. Seriously. That requires some investiture of time and capital...or at least public disclosure.

I have some weird color refractions (?) in my right eye. Is that a post-surgical thing? It's like movies you see of  LSD trips. I remember seeing weird colors during surgery so I am trying not to be concerned...and I see the doctor tomorrow. I don't want them to take my real eye out with an ice cream scoop and replace it with a marble.

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