Saturday, April 20, 2013

bridge dream and irrational fear


I've had a recurring dream in the last few months. Unlike most of my dreams, this one has a bit of a plot. I'm at the start of a bridge that looks kind of like this but it goes up into the clouds and over a lake. The top is shrouded in misty clouds so I can't really tell where the end will be. I know I have to cross but there are problems: I can't get my shoes tied, I can't get registered, I can't find the person I am supposed to walk with, it's getting late, it's freezing cold and icy. Always strange circumstances.

I suppose there could be some meaning. Fear of the future? Anxiety about treatments? Feeling a lack of control?

Hard to say, as I have some irrational fears. I am afraid to drive by semi trucks on the highway for fear the wheels might come off and smash into my windshield, for one thing. I worry about riptides whenever I am by the ocean. (This is a very silly fear as I have been by an ocean two times in my life.) I have others but they sound crazy when you write them down so I won't.

It's time for me to reclaim my life. I decided yesterday that I've spent enough time worrying about cancer. I still have the radiation treatments to do and it sounds like I will be spending plenty of time at the cancer center in the next few years so cancer isn't going to go away for me, but I want to start doing some of the things that drifted away with my diagnosis.

I'm going back to the Pulse on Monday. I haven't done a lick of exercise except for an occasional walk with the dog in the month since I finished Exercise is Medicine. I want to start walking outside, too. I'm gearing up for gardening season and have several plans. I'd like to start answering my phone again and get better at sending thank you notes. Is this too ambitious?

My friend, Nancy, loaned me a book called Picking Up the Pieces: Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer. I wasn't ready to read it until now. It's what I want to do: Move forward.

I just got an email from my google calendar. We have no events scheduled today. Regis says that is a waste of bandwidth. Haha!

1 comment:

Jill said...

The bridge to nowhere, maybe??


Hahahahaha! I can't stop laughing about getting an email from your google calendar telling you that you don't have anything going on! Cracks me up that some techie person decided that people need to be told when they're in motion or not. Kind of like all the nanny warnings about cold weather... put on a sweater, it's going to be cold out today. Not nearly as funny as an electronic reminder that you aren't doing anything.