Saturday, March 02, 2013

the bald ain't all pink ribbons and Sunday parades

Regis shaved my head again today because my hair comes back in fuzzy patches that irritate me. I'd rather have hair or no hair...not this in between business.

I've had more...should we say?...digestive issues the past two weeks. It doesn't last long but two days of that is more than I'd like to enjoy.

This time the chemo made me tired. It makes me more tired every week. I can't even add high enough to report how many hours I slept in the last three days. Regis would come into the bedroom this morning to tell me where he was going and when I woke up, I wondered where he was. That kind of sleep messes with your brain.

It's 3 o'clock and I'm still not showered or dressed. I have read most of a book and eaten a bowl of oatmeal in bed.

We were going to have an Academy Awards movie festival today but in my present condition, I would not have been much fun nodding off in my chair and running to the bathroom.

We're going to the neighbor's house for pizza tonight. It will be fun to get out of the house for a while. The sun is shining today...a can of whoop ass if there ever was one.

I'm at a point where this is getting very tiresome. Very. Tiresome. I'm sick of avoiding germs and using hand sanitizer. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of spending so much time tethered to an IV pole. I'm tired of thinking about white cells and red cells and potassium. I'm sick of dry skin and no eye brows. I'm sick of living my life around cancer.

If you have cancer and don't let it rule your life, that's good, but I don't want to hear about it right now. I feel shitty and guilty enough as it is. I know this will pass but right now it sucks.


Caroline said...

Chemo does drag after a while. How many more treatments do you have?

tccomments2013 said...

dear teresa,

it does get old, all the fatigue. i try everything to keep going at times, but i feel a nagging doubt about how not resting (being comatose for christ's sake!) might affect healing. i worry that i'll suck away the powerful blast of the "targeted" therapy, the big guns to keep me in NED if i want to go for a walk, or clean out my closet, or stay in a nice warm kitchen cooking yummy stuff. i hate that tomorrow when we go to have dinner with our kids and granchildren i will need to lay down for a full two hours before we leave. dammit. i have things to do, places to go, people to meet! i keep holding on to thoughts and gratitude for every single ordinary thing i can do - but it ain't easy when the spirit is willing but the bod says, "NOPE". simple as that...i gotta go lay down now - bye.

love, XO,