Sunday, March 10, 2013

Gus...ready for baseball

This is one of the strange things we do now. We put hats on our dog and take his picture. Goofy, we know. We draw the line, however, at buying little costumes for him. He wouldn't stand for it. Gus is a dog with dignity.

We had quite an adventure yesterday. We left the house at 8 am and drove out to Morgan Creek Vineyards to learn how to bottle and label wine. We worked with about six other volunteers until mid-afternoon to bottle almost a thousand bottles of Seyval. I can't remember the last time I worked that hard, seriously. It was fun and interesting, we met some very nice people, had a delicious lunch, and came how with wine. Not bad for a day's work.

I've been reflecting lately on my deflated mood. I think in the beginning, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I was energized in a way. I felt like a cancer warrior. I was on the pink-ribboned train, armed for battle. Even though I was mentally wrecked some days and spent a lot of time sleeping or in bed curled up, I had more energy when I was vertical. There was a lot to learn and a lot to do and it was all new.

Lately, I have no energy. I sit and think for ten minutes before I make a phone call and then sometimes I don't do it. I always think I will do it later. Every day I mean to get things done and most days I don't do them. It's all I can do to get dressed and get the dishes done.

They tell me at the cancer center that much of it is physical and it's normal and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I think it's about half physical and half mental...and I suppose they would agree. But I don't feel like a cancer warrior anymore, I feel like a bedraggled foot soldier at the end of the soup line. Limping along. With a wooden crutch. Oh, what a drama queen I can be.

What the hell. Metaphors aren't much good if they're mild.

The landscape has been depressing lately, too. The ditches were full of water yesterday, it rained most of the day, and as usual in March, you can't tell where the earth stops and the sky's all gray. It will be better when the sun shines and we can sit on the patio again. I can't wait to get the lawn swing and the charcoal grill operational. Ah, spring.

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