Monday, February 18, 2013

the gray-faced men got me yesterday

Sometimes the anxieties only march around the bed in the middle of the night when I can't sleep but yesterday, they found me in the daylight hours.

I've been feeling less than grand since my last treatment. I feel run down and wake up every morning with a headache and some weird sinus complaints. I'm cranky about things I can't do and things I don't feel like doing and things I have to do. I sleep a lot then feel bored by sleeping.

I was going to pick Elliot up at daycare on Tuesday. His mama had an appointment at the U for her thyroid issues so I was glad to help for a few hours. I had plans for a birthday pizza party for Alex who is turning four on Tuesday. Little pizzas from Papa Murphy's, lots of play and books and fun.

Elliot had to go to Urgent Care in the morning where he was diagnosed with influenza B. Shit. No appointment Tuesday. No daycare all week. No pizza party for Elliot, Alex, and Ella.

Then the door of my closet of anxieties flew open

Out they came. All the little anxieties and big worries. Tiffany's thyroid. Elliot's flu. Elliot's ear infections. My cancer. Chemo brain. Our kids driving all over every day to work. All the mean people in the world. Sad movies. Icy sidewalks. Regis's general malaise. My messy kitchen cupboards. Weeds in the garden. The dryer vent.

And so I was curled up in bed by noon, still in my pajamas amid the messy sheets, pondering all of this. It seemed unmanageable and overwhelming.

At one o'clock, I got up, took a shower and resumed the fight. I ripped the sheets off the bed and washed them. I made focaccia bread and the most decadent brownies. I picked up all the stray boots and gloves and mittens. I made steaks for dinner. I asked Regis if he was tired of me or of cancer and was glad when he said no.

By the time I went to sleep last night I remembered that no matter what, every day is an act of faith. I have to get up and let the people I love move around in the world without worry. There is no way to protect any of us from the forces out there and it will drive me insane if I try.

I have to put on ass-kicking boots and have fun. I have to put up the Guinness lights for St. Patty's Day and get out my green glitter shoes. I have to call people to come for dinner and make brownies for dessert. I have to send out the Valentines I made even if some of the hearts are upside down. What else can I do?  It's an act of faith to believe that it can be a rotten world but it's got great peaches so we just keep going.

My friend, Deb, wrote a comment yesterday that some days you don't have the energy to open the can of whoop ass, you just have to kick it out of the way. For a while, that's just what I did. I knew today would be better and it is.

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