Sunday, January 13, 2013

my chemo fugue state

For a few days after my treatment, I wander around in a fugue state. I don't think I am in any danger of trying to establish a new identity but the memory loss and wandering has me concerned. I wasn't vertical very many hours yesterday although I did manage to make a delicious beef stew with dumplings for dinner.

I took my first nap by 9 am, my second shortly after noon, and a third about 3 o'clock. It feels so good to sleep that I don't berate myself for it. Today is the last day for the big nausea drugs so tomorrow I should be more alert. Here's hoping.

This morning, I woke at 3 am, tired of being in bed. I came out to light the Christmas tree, the little fireplace, and to make coffee. I read for a while, had coffee and a scone, and when it was still dark, I went back to bed for a while. Now I have been up for a half hour again, and it is still dark. It's 7:10 and it is still pitch dark.

Maybe a person not enduring chemo would be confused and wandering with this kind of schedule. That is something to consider.

It's time to take the ornaments off the Christmas tree but I'm not making any promises that will get done today. In fact, I would say very likely not today. That would mean getting out the Valentine's Day ornaments and doing the re-decoration. Too much.

I was thinking last night that my feelings about having cancer have changed. In the beginning, I was angry and sad and very frustrated. I don't feel that way anymore. It just seems like cancer is shit that some people get and this happens to be mine. I wasn't singled happens to lots of people. I seem to be able to live my life pretty much the way I want to in spite of cancer and I am optimistic that I will recover and life will go on as it did in the past.

I can hear the train whistle, a mournful tune on a dark, January morning. Regis hates the sound but I like it. It reminds me of traveling by train a few times when I was a little girl.

My friend, Cynthia Bradbury, sent this darling snow angel baby picture.

This is my niece, Nicole, making a snow angel. She has her own set of worries right now so that she took the time and found the joy to make snow angels is touching.

They must have had a layer of fresh snow in Fargo...this is a beauty! This is an angel with vigor!

This is the snow angel I made at Chankaska Creek Winery on New Year's Eve. We didn't take the picture until more than a week later so it doesn't look bad considering that our snow badly needs to be refreshed. I know you have to look hard to see the angel...but it's old snow and it's an angel. It shouldn't be easy.

That's enough of my early morning ramblings. It's finally light enough to see across the street. I think I'll wander back to the kitchen to find some more coffee. I can feel a burst of energy coming on today. We'll see what transpires.

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