Sunday, December 30, 2012

can't sleep...must write

We had a wonderful day yesterday. The little ones came about 11, accompanied by a parent or two, some of whom left to do other things that are made more difficult by the company of children. Those of us who were left enjoyed a lunch of Ragu spaghetti, bread sticks, and Oreos. Can't beat that for a kid-friendly lunch.

When they went home, we went to a service to say good-bye to our friend, Karen Burns Noble, who died suddenly on Christmas Day. Her daughter, Nikki, read two poems and it was one of the sweetest memorials I have ever attended, No pomp, just a roomful of lovely people who loved Karen.

Regis and Gus went to the dog park for a while while I listened to Dean Martin's old classic Christmas songs, then went to the liquor store for a bottle of pinot noir and a six pack of Magic Hat for Regis. We're planning a quiet weekend and eve of 2013. Avoiding crowds and germs by holing up at home with all our comforts...good spirits, scallops, bread, shrimp, steak, salad, something sweet.

I had no appetite for dinner so Regis made me a soft fried egg and a piece of toast. It tastes so good when someone else makes it. We watched re-runs of old episodes of Seinfeld.

I try to read but the book doesn't compel me. I wander through the pages, wanting to know how it ends but not being curious enough to keep going for very long.

If I lie in bed awake too long, I start to pay attention to the shadows of cancer that float across the dark ceiling. Nothing too frightening...just reminders. Like when I wake up and worry that I forgot to pay the light bill. I run through the future appointments in my head, I think about the medication I took today and what I can stop taking tomorrow. I think about whether my hair really will fall out or it that was a pre-emptive strike for no good reason. I can let the creepy future fears stalk me if I let them...things that might be side effects of the toxic treatments but I don't let that happen very often. I might as well worry about meteors or the apocalypse.

Now, that I chased those chickens out of my brain, I'll try to sleep again.

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