Friday, August 22, 2008

why i'm not in the olympics

In case you’ve wondered, I’m not in the Olympics because:
  1. I’m not fond of the fabrics in those outfits. It seems like they all end in –ex: goretex and spandex, for example. Sportswear in general is not high on my fashion list. I have an aversion to stripes, even the ones that go down the leg. Ugly. Zippers. Especially big plastic ones. Ugly. Little embroidered emblems on the pocket. Advertising sports teams on the front of your chest. No thanks.
  2. I’m not good at math as my friends and my mother have pointed out in this venue. I think those tiny decimals would be meaningless to me. Who cares about the .735? Hey, I think I won!
  3. I’m easily distracted. In the 400 m freestyle I would be apt to roll over and admire the sun coming in an upper window and forget that I should be swimming to the end of the lane. Race? Oh yeah. I forgot.
  4. I don’t like crowds or noise and there seems to be an over-abundance of both at the Olympics. I only like to attend big events nobody else is interested in attending. The only thing I’ve ever found like that was the National AKC Dog Agility Trials we went to in Mankato several years ago. There was a crowd of about ten. Besides being very entertaining, you could move about freely, there were no lines at the concession stands or in the bathrooms, and it was easy to have a conversation.
  5. I’m not competitive. I can remember two times in my life where I cared about the outcome of a game or race. Once was during Risk and the other was during Scrabble. Well, there might have been a couple times during Scrabble games. Years ago, I had a special ed student (those sociopaths can be pretty clever) who could beat me at Scrabble. I told him it didn’t qualify as an educational activity anymore so we couldn’t play. Everybody’s got limits.
  6. If my legs were forced into a perpendicular position, as the legs of women who do high hurdles seem to be, I predict mine would pop out of their joints and flop around like the legs of a string puppet. It would be painful and unattractive. No thanks.
As if you needed six reasons.

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