Friday, November 30, 2007

Christmas Letter Hit Parade


2005
We’re dreaming of a White House Christmas!


Don’t get the wrong idea. This year we decided to take a break from our warm and homey Garrison Keillor quotes of the last few years and get our quotes from the Bush White House. More cynicism, more sarcasm, more obfuscation; just what you’d expect.

“There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.” Don Rumsfeld

This seems like a good place to talk about our offspring. There are some known knowns:
  • Bob works at Ameripride and Emily works at Aveda.
  • Young Regis works at Ameripride. Amber (significant other) graduated from MSU in May and works at Target.
  • Tiffany works at Burch Pharmacy in Minneapolis. Connor (significant other) works at Burch in the contract mail station. They’re known as “The Burch Couple” in their neighborhood.
  • Peter broke his wrist skateboarding in November. Right before he started (or was supposed to start) a job at Mount Kato. Actually, this bit of news could be in the unknown knowns column.
“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” And at another date: “They misunderestimated me.” George Bush

I finished the classes for my principal licensure in July but I’m still teaching at the Hoffmann Learning Center. I really did want a chance at one of those jobs…you know, the ones that pay more money but require a penis. Can they transplant those? Meanwhile, I teach writing, make schedules, shuffle papers, and try to prove to the federal government that I’m highly qualified to do my job. No child left untested, you know.

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.” George Bush

Bob and Emily are expecting a baby on January 6th. The baby’s room is ready and we think it’s a girl. Look at the leg photos on our website! [http://homepage.mac.com/tsaum] We’re excited to be grandma and grandpa because we don’t believe that crap about it taking a village…we’re going to leave the serious raising business to Bob and Em and we’re going to have fun with this little one!

“Actually, I—this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about—when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.” George Bush

Let’s talk about me some more. I mean us. Me and Regis. (This is very confusing.) All our chicks are out of the nest. Well, almost. There’s one left in the basement but he’s 18 and perched on the limb…did I mix metaphors? It’s the Bush influence. We’re only raising dogs now but some days they’re more trouble than our kids ever were. Ask us about Bert’s thyroid dysfunction that requires regular blood panels or Kramer’s hazy spleen.

“I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.” George Bush

Try to figure out what THAT means. We like to read books in our free time: I just finished Wicked and the last book Regis read was Shadow Divers. We like to mess around with our computers…email, websites, blogs, podcasts…we’re pretty hip for old dudes. Regis is a computer tutor at the library and helps with the obituary database for genealogy research. We both volunteer at the DFL office in Mankato and like to think of ourselves as Josh Lyman and Donna Moss, two hip dudes on West Wing.

“There's an old...saying in Tennessee...I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once...(3 second pause)... Shame on...(4 second pause)...Shame on you....(6 second pause)...Fool me...Can't get fooled again.” (I really don’t have to tell you, do I? You couldn’t make up stuff this good!)

Regis got so wrapped up in production of our Christmas PowerPoint that he won’t finish his part of the letter. The retail business has not been good, at least not to the guys who sell the stuff, so some days he feels lucky to peddle a lamp. There are benefits: We sleep on the best bed around. Of course, that’s spoiled us for motels and weekend visits to people with cheap beds in their guest rooms. If we haven’t been to visit you, that may be the reason. (Regis says to hold up the joke sign here.)

“The thing that’s most important for me is to remember what’s the most important thing.” George “You’re Doin’ a Heck of a Job, Brownie” Bush

The most important thing for you to remember is that we wish you a happy holiday and lots of humor and grace for the New Year. We really would like it if you came to visit us in St. Peter. We’ll make a pot of coffee or chill a couple beers, tell some stories, and laugh a lot. What more can we ask of the New Year?

Teresa & Regis

1 comment:

Jill said...

Gees, if I'd check the date and pay attention I'd realize I was reading your 2005 letter, and I wouldn't have spun my head around thinking Ella was about to have a baby brother or sister without having heard a word about it before. I guess reading Bush quotes has left me a bit disoriented.