Friday, April 06, 2007


We are suffering a conundrum. We have already seen the shotgun blasts to the lawn that signify our moles have awakened. Regis and I are not fussy lawn-keepers: We let the grass get long because we think it produces more oxygen, we don't mow in criss-cross patterns, and we rarely use chemicals because we aren't bothered by dandelions or other noxious weeds. We all have to live somewhere. But the moles are causing a problem. If you read my previous post (Saturday, March 10), you know that I'm not fond of the idea of killing them by any means chemical or mechanical because I read Mole Music...and we all have to live somewhere. The lawn gets so spongey from their little tunnels, though, that we're almost afraid to walk on it. Did you know a mole weighs 3-5 ounces but they can tunnel 200 feet in a day? We might only have one or two moles, but the little bastards are terrorists. Here's a letter we're going to leave on the lawn this weekend for the moles:

Dear Mound Makers-

Look, I am keenly aware that you were here prior to me buying the house. I am also aware that you were here before the house was built. This land is your land…I get that.

The thing is that I’m stressed out about you taking over my lawn. I don’t give a mole’s ass if you come up for air in the nooks and crannies of my yard. They’re yours. But, please, for the love of god and all things holy, leave my lawn alone.

I’ve researched several solutions to our co-habitation challenge: however, experts agree that the only real solution is your demise. I do have a trap out in the garage, in fact, it came with the house. I don’t know if you or your friends have seen these things…they’re terrifying.

I’d be happy to show it to you if you’d like. I’ll leave it by the large dirt mound (the one you favor) on my front lawn. Don’t worry, I won’t set it; it’s simply for display and educational purposes. Go ahead, touch it, get a feel for it. You know, I’ll even leave a latte next to it so you can ponder your decision in comfort.

I’m hoping we can work this out in a civil fashion, and so, I would appreciate a meeting of the minds with those in charge. Yes, take me to your leader…the decision maker. Perhaps we can agree to a homeopathic solution; one that won’t cause you any harm or discomfort.

Please consider my offer and respond accordingly.

Civilly yours,

Property Owners