what happened to me?

I can't believe I haven't written on my blog since Wednesday. Jill wrote this afternoon to see if I had slipped into the abyss. Nope, but I did spend the last few days doing a lot of sleeping and escaping via novels and iPad games. Arrghghgh. I can't even count the number of games I've played. It's nauseating.

I'm over the hump with radiation. Fifteen down and thirteen to go. I know it isn't so bad but I feel like I'm on the white-knuckle express. I want it to be over but I'm afraid to have it actually be over.

On Friday, we took Gus to the Paw to play. They like to take pictures and publish them on their Facebook page. They meaning the people not the dogs. I know it looks like a dog melee but they are very well behaved.

We bought our groceries for the week and I did a little thrift store shopping. I found these fancy men's shirts on the vintage rack. There were about eight of them in different wild plaids. If they had been cheaper than six bucks it would have been fun to get them for a family dress-up photo. Yeah, and I don't think this shirt is vintage...just ugly. I did find a nice denim skirt for three dollars at MVAC, my favorite thrift store. Their new location is very spiffy.

The weather this week has reminded me of being at Lake Miltona. My mom and dad had a cabin there for many years and we had great times. Early morning coffee on the deck, campfires on the beach at night, raking the sand, watching hummingbirds, and cool, damp breezes like we have today.

I read something the other day about how there is a movement afoot to eliminate the apostrophe. Some linguists say it would make no difference in our ability to read and get meaning...the context will communicate just fine. I liked grammar so I get why some people are opposed but really, does it matter? I've read books without quotation marks and thought that was a great idea. It took about two pages to figure out the deal. Much of punctuation is a distraction and I think we would survive the loss of the apostrophe. Put away your red pens, English teachers of America!

There are two orioles in the jelly feeders and a big fat squirrel in the tray feeder. My neighbor deports squirrels but I think it's like trying to drain the ocean with a teaspoon. We're on our third jar of jelly and the orioles don't show much interest in slowing down. After their eggs hatch, I guess they start eating bugs and caterpillars they find in the trees.

Ella is coming over tomorrow to help make a birthday cake for Gus. It's for us to eat in celebration, not for Gus to eat. We're having the kids and all over for a feast on Monday. We're making indoor pulled pork. I envision people eating this on tortillas with salsa and cheese and sour cream. Regis informs me, however, that there might be people who have an aversion to this idea so we'll provide a few buns for the tortilla-phobes.

Speaking of Gus and cake. I bought the dog-bone shaped pan on Amazon, were we have free shipping. I spotted a five ounce bottle of dog-bone shaped sprinkles that I thought would be fun but I would have to pay shipping on those. Just for a kick, I checked the cost of shipping. Forty five dollars! Forty five dollars to ship a bottles of sprinkles. What the hell. I didn't order them. Haha!

I have a book I'm anxious to read tonight. I'm about halfway through Ordinary Grace, William Kent Kruger's newest book. I love it.

fourteen tomorrow

Tomorrow is my 14th radiation treatment. I'm not sure that's cause for celebration so I decided not to go with fireworks. It means I can start counting down. As I told a friend in the coffee shop yesterday, this is not something a guy would sign up for but it's gone alright for something to be dreaded. Friday I start counting down.

I'm ambivalent about finishing radiation because I'm ambivalent about cancer. I still have moments when I realize this is me we're talking about and not someone else. Wait, wait...what? I feel like I have done pretty well through this, even with my mental phase in the winter, but it's been a long ass haul. Can I ever go back to my normal self? Do the fears go away?

This looks like the radiation machine I hook up with every day. It might be called a linear accelerator...I'm not sure. It works like this: the blue thing shoots out a ray of particles and the rectangular thing shoots out a ray of particles and then there's a particle shit storm somewhere over my chest. It's what I visualize as I'm lying there...tiny Star Wars like figures having a light saber duel in the air. Fucking with those cancer cells.

This is Mr. Crane who lives in a pond near my niece, Darby. She's been fascinated by him and got her mom to help with the stake-out so they could get this shot. Nice work!

This is Mr. Tinkles. He's a 20 pound cat who has scraped a bald streak down his belly by dragging himself onto furniture. I think he has learned to open the Friskies cabinet while they are at work.

We have been amazed at the birds this year, as you know. This afternoon there was an oriole family reunion in the yard, with sometimes six orioles at a time fighting for a place at the jelly bowls. I filled them up last night and then again this afternoon. They were picked cleaned.

With all there is to eat out there, you wouldn't think they would have to scrap but they do. There is one very temperamental Orchard oriole, a second year male, who thinks he rules the roost. Maybe birds get that testosterone thing going on, too.

I lounged in bed for a while this afternoon nursing a sinus headache and reading. I finished The Burgess Boys by Elizabeth Strout and started Ordinary Grace by William Kent Kruger. I've only just started the second one but it has a similar tone to the first...regret, poignancy, grief, redemption. Sad and powerful. I might have passed through my mystery phase for a while.

I think I'll wander down to the liquor store to buy a nice pinot noir for dinner. Red goes well with hot dogs, right?

it's been a great year for birds!

rhubarb, tornado, and radiation

I made a mental list of things to do yesterday. I decided if I only had two things on it, the chances were better at getting them done. One of the things was to move the rhubarb from its shady spot on the north side of the house to the south side. I took my rhubarb for a walk in the Radio Flyer to the sunny side of the yard. Hahaha!

Since I was out there, gloved and holding a shovel, I transplanted some hosta, moved some chives closer to the bunny, and had Young Regis dig out a couple of giant Autumn Joy sedum. I put them in the wagon and walked it down to my friend, Cheryl's, house. She recognized the wagon and the bag on a FB post and knew it was me and not the sedum fairies.

After all of that, I had to take a nap.

Here we are at Suzette's. Wonder of the internet, Jack sent these pictures via email after they disappeared from our phones. This is my first time out in public with very little hair.

Kathy and I have been friends since we were in junior high. They didn't call it middle school in those days. Middle school sounds so gentle, like an extension of elementary school. This was junior high as in get ready for an ass kickin' in high school, kid. We spent many nights together during those years. We'd go to a football game and her dad would drive 25 miles into town to fetch us. Or we'd go roller skating and walk to my house where we talked and laughed into the night.

I signed up on Twitter to follow some people who identified as breast cancer survivors. Frankly, it scared the shit out of me so I had to unfollow them for a few days. I support the sisterhood and I admire the work they are doing but I can't do a daily diet of it, at least not right now. I did buy the Mayo Clinic Breast Cancer book last week because I think I am ready to know more about this than when my next appointment is. Seriously, that is all I could handle for a while. head,

I tried to find a photo online that was similar to the radiation machine I use. No dice. Maybe I can ask them if I can take a picture of it with my phone. It's a huge monster. It has three giant rotating heads. The rays come out of one head, they take x-rays with another, and I'm not sure what the third one is for.

I watched some the coverage of the Moore, OK tornado last night and it broke my heart. It's like a bomb went off there. The children, about the ages of our grandchildren, were the saddest and most frightening. I know this tornado was more catastrophic than the one that struck St. Peter in 1998, but so much of the story is reminiscent...huge lights, the sound of generators and helicopters, so many homes flattened. It's very hard to look at the pictures.

Jill is taking me to get irradiated today. #12 of 28...almost half-way! We'll probably have coffee or breakfast when I'm done...she said my wish is her command (Right, Jill?) so I think I'll ask her to drive me to San Diego. Tell Larry we'll be gone a while!

no wine from Bruce

A quote from his email:

I concur; ND wines suck!  Rhubarb, chokecherry, and jalapeno?  Gack!

this will be short

I had an agenda for today and I accomplished all the action items. (Yuck, yuck...) I took my rhubarb for a walk to the sunny side of the yard as it did not like living in the shadow of the garbage dumpster. I transplanted hosta and I dragged a couple Autumn Joy sedum down to my friend, Cheryl's house in the red wagon.

I've discovered the internet's cure for short term memory problems. Maybe cure is not the right word. I lost a bag full of oranges. I bought them a week ago for the orioles. I've changed the oranges two to three times and now they are gone. Regis calls it CUI...changing under the influence. I'm not denying. That could be true.

The orioles love the cara cara oranges that are $2.99 a pound. Holy crap.

We have had wonderful birds this spring. Over the past weekend, we saw this bird... a ruby crowned kinglet. They only migrate through this part of the state on their way to northern Minnesota. They probably heard there is still ice on the lakes up there and decided to stick around here where at least we have put away our winter boots and mittens.

Notice to offspring and people who visit our home for parties and such:

We are planning a party this weekend to celebrate Memorial Day and Gus's second birthday. We're making smoked pork butt tacos, pico de gallo, and whatever else strikes my fancy or yours. If you're reading this, consider yourself invited. Just let me know so we can buy an extra butt. Hahaha!

We aren't sure about the day yet....Saturday or Monday, weather dependent. Stay in touch and we'll decide as the forecast becomes available. If you're inclined to bring something, we'd love it. Just none of that jar salsa from New York City...get a rope.

waking to thunder

We've had a lot of rain in the past few days and today, we're in a flash flood watch. Our trees and grass and flowers are thankful. It was so dry last summer and we can't even remember the last time we had a thunderstorm.

We woke early to thunder this morning so I may feel the need to return to bed for a while. It's dark and rumbley...perfect weather for sleeping late.

We met good friends, Jack and Kathy, for dinner at Suzette's last night. It's a funky old Bridgeman's building but the food and the service are fabulous. I had halibut with a creamy dill sauce and garlic mashed potatoes. Regis and I shared a piece of tiramisu for dessert that was so good I'm pretty sure we both purred. There were other pictures but they have disappeared into cyber space for now. We're trying to resurrect them.

Check out the link to Suzette's and read the chef's story. It's amazing. I forgot to mention the squash soup that I think was flavored with saffron. Oh, my. So good.

That's it for this morning. Just a few lazy reminiscences about our evening. I'm going back to bed to read and listen to the rain for a while.

slugging rats in the gutter

My friend, Karen, calls what I went through one evening and morning this week slugging rats in the gutter. I love that. It's pretty descriptive of the crap that hits the fan but it also hints that it doesn't last forever and...mine didn't. If you are slugging rats in the gutter today, I hope they're few and slow.

We're doing our usual coffee drinking this morning, watching the birds and the sky. An ominous thunderstorm appeared on the horizon but seems to have wandered onto some other unsuspecting county.

We're thankful for all the rain we got yesterday. Maybe now I can stop worrying about wildfires. I haven't seen such a downpour in several years. We had more rain during the night, with thunder and lightening. I was going to work in the garden today but it's too muddy. Oh, darn.

The grass is making a glorious comeback after the past year's drought. I know this because there is a gas powered machine going every waking moment in our neighborhood. Not at our house as we like our grass long. We think of it as making oxygen.

Elliot came for a visit last night. We stopped at McDonald's, went to Tom and Betty's house, came back here to take a walk around the block, and sat on the patio. When we finally sat down on the swing, he said, "Nana, you forgot three things: a pillow, a blanket, and a snack." This picture is from St. Patrick's Day...you can tell by the lights on the tree. It's one of my favorite pictures of him because he's laughing himself silly. Nothing like a little kid laughing to lighten your heart.

I have a list of things I should do today but we'll see how that progresses. It's so tempting to sit and watch the orioles in the redbud tree.

There's my whoop ass for the day!

Deb and Gus

my brief trip through the doldrums of life

I knew I would be fine later and I am.

I saw my oncologist this morning and he was, as usual, uplifting. He talked about things I could do to help prevent recurrence...limit wine, exercise my body and my brain, eat healthy. All good things to do. I'll see him again in a month to talk about removing my port and about the hormone I'll take for five years.

I hope I didn't alarm anyone (Sorry, Mom.) with my dismal attitude this morning. All is well. Here's my list of reasons to be happy:

1. I'm getting some of the best medical care in the world.
2. I have a sweet husband who takes me to so many appointments.
3. I have a cozy bedroom where I can curl up with a book and take a nap.
4. My garden is springing forth!
5. Elliot is coming to see us this evening and we're going to pay a visit to Tom and Betty.
6. My prognosis is very good.
7. I have good friends and family sending me light and love.
8. We have beautiful birds in our yard.
9. My cousin, Deb, made a visit this week. She always makes me laugh.
10. We have two beautiful blooming trees in the front yard.
11. Our refrigerator is broken but Reggie came to help fix it. Thanks, kid!
12. Catie is graduating from the U of M nursing program this afternoon.

Not a bad list for an old broad who was poised on the bridge this morning. Hahahaha! Not quite. I'm just a bit of a drama queen...but I do appreciate the support in my time of need. Thanks to everyone who wrote.

curling up and feeling sad

Cocooning

Cécile Veilhan

Yesterday I had my first follow-up meeting with my research nurse. I've gotten very attached to her. I know I'll see her many times in the future but for some reason this last visit made me sad and took me back to an emotional place I thought I had left long ago.

Even though the weather was beautiful, the crab apple and the redbud are blooming, and even though I had a lovely visit with my cousin the last two days, I felt like shit last night. I felt like I did in January. I was so tired I took several naps and went to bed at 7 o'clock. I felt sad and lonely and discouraged and...flat.

I'm not going to try to analyze this too much. It just is what it is and I know it will pass.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself either. I know everybody has crap to deal with. Every day, people have much worse crap than this to deal with. Something could come along and clothesline a guy at any time. Fact of life. I am not alone in this.